ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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