I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
