Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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