just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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