So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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