So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
