I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
