So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
