I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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