If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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