Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
