The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just want to make out with him forever
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize