Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
