If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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