Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
try to milk me bitch
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