she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
