I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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