I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Last time i carry you out of a forest
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
