capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize