Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
