Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize