i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
