I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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