Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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