as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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