piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
