haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize