i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
