'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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