the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
