i permit you to call me
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
