I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
