I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
