i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
