well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
