so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
