life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
This house was built for laser tag.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
my poor anus
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
