I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
