My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
