The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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