So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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