I murdered the dance floor call the cops
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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