Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
