Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
