he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
