The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Come see our sink grown plant.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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