hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
