Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
