Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
