its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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