Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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