The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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