Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
