we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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