I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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