Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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