My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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