The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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