Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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