watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
