batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
