I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
