just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
wow bdsm is so cute
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
