Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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