im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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