Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
