someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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