I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
